It’s a Saturday Spring morning in Miami. The sky’s naked, enveloping the city from horizon to horizon with its unrivaled azure. I breathe in the tropical breeze and flip flop my way to the beach with my friends. On the way over we pick up a twelve pack of beer and 40 SPF lotion. Geared up and ready for the day we make our way onto the ocean’s welcome mat…the sand.

A. B. C. D. DD. The entire scale is out today. Natural and unnatural. A plethora of areolas. The beach. I love it!

Other than my bathtub and an artificial lake behind my house this will be the first time I will see an actual body of water. I’m amazed at the natural beauty as I walk over the sand hill that hides the water from the onlookers on Ocean Drive. I reach the top and the ocean devours the scene. It’s a dark blue, the way I pictured the ocean to be. Doesn’t stink like an ocean; it smells salty, coconut-ey, sunny. I’m actually in Miami! Actually on a beach, and not any other beach, south beach.

The shoreline is speckled with tan bodies. It’s like a postcard! Men are playing football and Frisbee, strolling down the shoreline, and displaying their bulges and muscles. The women are laughing, lying out on towels, soaking up sun, TOPLESS!!!

Am I actually seeing this? Should I be paying someone? A. B. C. D. DD. The entire scale is out today. Natural and unnatural. A plethora of areolas. The beach. I love it!

We chose a spot near the water. Right between Lou Ferrigno and the Latin Barbie twins. The day is perfect. I’m on vacation with my friend’s at one of USA’s top hot spots. I lay out my towel and kick back. Taking in the fluid foreground and the glistening tight bodies that walk pass. The shock from seeing so many topless women finally fades and they become part of the landscape. The jiggling mounds of flesh and silicon turn to the waving fronds of the palm tree. We crack open the beers and, silent in our thoughts, we let the day unfold.

Before going to complete relaxation mood I apply lotion all over my country white skin making sure I won’t end up looking like a lobster after today. Safe from the scorching sun, I drink the last of the beers. As I crush the can, sleep suddenly takes over. I Iay my head and cover my eyes from the sun with my shirt and let the sound of the waves take me.

I’m not sure how long I had slept but I wake up to my friends’ talking. I open my eyes and see them just sitting by me with big smiles across their faces. It looks like they had gone somewhere and just got back.

“Where did you guys go?” I asked.

Just to get more beer they answered, laughing aloud for some unknown reason. Their giddiness only seemed like they were drunk. “Ok, cool” I answered.

Still groggy, I prop myself on my elbows to see the water. There it is: the rippling waves of the sea. I can see boats in the horizon, jet-skiers spraying up white water, winder surfers gliding past. I feel great and refreshed. Even the people passing are smiling at me. It’s a beautiful day. Actually a lot of people are smiling at me. Guys and girls! A few are laughing. Do I have something on my face? I put my hand on it, feeling my mouth and cheeks, nothing, not even sand. Eyes are attracted to me. Grilling teeth, hand-covered chuckles, the entire beach is laughing at me. I looked over to my friends and they were all bent over laughing. What is it I asked?

No one answered. And as I felt a quick breeze roll over me I felt another part of me come awake. I turned my head quickly to my legs and there I can see my family jewels sticking out of my speedos. Red mosquito eyes looking up at me. I quickly covered myself and slipped them back in.

What the fuck? I yelled out under my towel, covering my shame.

I later learned that I was exposing the entire Miami sea-side for about forty minutes. My so-called friends had taken the liberty to take my guys out while I slept and expose them to passer-bys. I don’t know how many people saw it. But I can tell you that I felt it. My balls had literally cooked. I had to constantly rub Aloe Vera on the sun burnt nuts for the entire trip. A week later after Miami, the tan skin had peeled, and I later proudly showed my friends and family back home my bronze complexion.


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