In this segment I would like to thank all the depraved, hungry, lazy, and despicable people in the world to make this travel tip segment even possible; without you we wouldn’t have to worry, fear or guard our belongings and vacation money from being stolen while traveling. You make us better travelers for it. Thank you. You are the people that make vacations memorable.
And because of all the glorious fear you put us through, I would like to give back to you, and have our travel readers give back even more by following these tips on how to get robbed on vacation.
Tip 1. Leave baggage unattended.
Once arriving at a destination it’s always best to drop your things in a high-traffic foot area and turn your back on your luggage. This will provide an easy access for anybody that is on a lookout for a quick grab and run. This will bring back childhood games you used to play like: Tag you’re it or Keep Away, only this time it’s with your luggage.
Tip 2. Be very helpful to locals.
Granted, you don’t speak their language so well and their broken English isn’t all that bad, be courteous and devote full attention to them; it would be rude if you didn’t. Don’t mind a bump or two while fumbling through their map while you orientate yourself, it’s only the accomplices mastering their pickpocketing skills. Be very aloof when this is happening; it helps them better their ninja skills.
Tip 3. Flaunt your money.
You have it so flaunt it. It’ll just give more encouragement for those who really want it to take it. Don’t try to dig around in your pockets for that One Dollar bill or turn your body from the crowd when you’re taking out your wad. Spread it out like dealt cards. Fan your face with it. Let’s see which local is the most determined to take your travel money.
Tip 4. Wear bright tourist clothing.
Fashion is essential. You don’t want to be seen like a local; you want to stand out! Be proud that you’re a foreigner on vacation. This allows people that are in need of quick cash to separate the locals from the unaware. Best thing to wear is shorts and sandals, fag bags are the best and it gives the mugger something to hold on to when they’re pulling on you.
Tip 5. Frequently check your travel map.
Checking the map is something unavoidable, you have to do it because you don’t want to get lost. But for those that want to give a helping hand to those in need: be ostentatious. At every corner reference your map and look around for street signs. Ask random strangers, with map in hand, how to get to X place, and try to bump into people when you’re finding your bearings. Eventually you’ll end up in a dark alley or some out-of-the-way street that whomever is following won’t have to be so discrete on what they do to you.
Tip 6. Be gullible.
Paranoia only works in the movies not in real life or on vacation. You need to realize that no one is going to hurt you and no one is trying to take your belongings from you. With this mind-set, you can freely explore the mind of local characters. You’ll get a first-hand experience on what it is like to understand the natives that are so willing to possess you and your belongings.
Tip 7. Drunky Time.
If you like to drink and/or dance then the best things to do is drink until you get shit-faced before you go out. This adds disorientation to your trip (an extra bonus) and tons of freedom. Separate from your friends and explore the city, don’t worry no one will hurt you (see #6). If you’re a girl, be conscious in what you wear – the shorter the better.
Tip 8. Always resist.
If a gun or knife is pointed at you, try to dislodge it from the pursuers’ hands, hey, who knows you just might live to tell about it! What an adventure story you’ll have to tell.
Tip 9. Get lost.
Not daytime lost with a bunch of your guy friends around. But really lost in the middle of the night with nothing but you and your sandals. This strengthens your vacation survival senses and allows you to explore the city at night: where the action is always straight to the point and far from boring.
Tip 10. Be generous to beggars.
Always. I mean always give money to those that ask. They are only there to boost your humanity. Never think about the others that observe your kindness; they’ll never use that against you. Nor will the beggar’s because they’re weak and poor anyway, right?
Tip 11. Be willing to have sex.
If a hot girl or guy is ready to jump in the sack, don’t expect anything of it. They are human and have needs…they’ll never think about spiking your drink or cleaning you out when you sleep happily in the sweaty, hot mess left after the rendezvous-vous.
Tip 12. Love. Is. All. You. Need.
So relax. Be willing to embrace the one’s that are so willing to befriend you while on vacation, there are no tricks under their sleeves only love.
Enjoy that you’re at least traveling. The ones trying to rip you off aren’t so lucky. If you have a heart and you’re not so attached to your things, then follow these steps and spread the wealth. If your possessions are going to be stolen it’s better them than your countrymen.